Scallywag

The truth which has made us free will in the end make us glad also.

~ Felix Adler ~

Aussie Barbecue Tips and Tricks For You

July 23rd, 2012 ~ Est. reading time: 3 mins, 28 secs

Nobody knows barbecue tips and tricks like an Aussie.

Now a lot of people think that they know how to do a proper barbecue when they’re more or less unskilled on the subject. Worse still, having bought a rocket powered 21 burner barbecue brute and cooked on it once or twice, they’re suddenly a barbeque boss! So let’s get this sorted out straight off the bat with some practical Aussie barbecue tips and facts (time to get your pencil out and jot these down).

Now I know there are as many different ways to barbeque* as there are ways to burn an egg. But for the record, Australians have laid claim to the barbecue since before white fellas appeared. It’s an institution as dinkum as kangaroos, surf, and gum leaves in your tea. So consider having a barbecue as a Downunder thing to do. By the way, it’s barbecue, not grill. In Australia it’s considered sissy to call a barbie a grill. And, for various reasons that only men holding cans of beer can explain (once they’ve had a few of course), it’s a men only phenomenon. In other words, the bloke throws the meat on the barbie and the women plan the proceedings, go shopping, bring it all home, unpack, set the table, butter the bread, prepare the salads, collect the condiments, and basically make the meal edible. That’s your first Aussie barbecue tip: if you’re a woman, be prepared to do most of the work and get no credit for it.

But there are a lot more barbecue tips and tricks to be up to speed with. With so much stuff these days about cooking the meat slowly to bring out its flavor, there’s a bit of a kerfuffle going on in Australia about the right way to do it. This is confusing the young blokes no end. But if in doubt, the old hands reckon it’s best to go traditional. Simply crank up your barbie until it’s hot as blazes and chuck the meat on by throwing it from a distance. When the flames are leaping up high off the burning juices and threatening to set your overhead pergola alight, then you know it’s about right.

What else? Oh, yes. Here’s a few more barbecue tips and tricks to stick on your list:

  • Ignore all the health warnings from doctors and scientists about burnt meat and ingesting that greasy barbecue scum. They’re just jealous.
  • It’s okay to let a few steaks fall over the side. Just remember the 30-second rule (i.e. If it’s been on the ground for thirty of less, sure you can pop it back on the plate. Nobody cares anyway.). Anything longer should be left to lie though. Just in case. If you’ve got a dog they’ll think they’ve died and gone to Heaven. So let them have a feed and hero-worship you while they scoff the lot, then bury the bone.
  • Use heaps of tomato sauce (ketchup). Pour it on your plate and let your lamb chop have a little swim. Not only does it bring out the flavor, but also it hides the burnt bits beautifully.
  • Forget about all that Nancy stuff about rare, medium rare, etc. The meat should be a consistent black on both sides, though preferably not to a charcoaled state.
  • Be sure to leave the meat naked when you cook it. Resist the temptation to pour bottled junk onto it when it’s on the barbecue still sizzling. If you’re that keen to add it, pour a bit into a glass and get folk to swig the sauce as they eat their meal. Ideal.
  • Flies are a nuisance, aren’t they? But if the barbeque is hot enough, they won’t dare come near. Think bonfire and you’ve got it about right to keep the little blighters back. Alternatively, get one of those ultraviolet electric bug zappers that incinerate the insects when they come into contact. This provides a stellar conversation piece for the guests, especially if the zapped bugs explode close to the table.
  • For vegetarians, make sure you’ve got stacks of backed potatoes in foil.
  • For pescatarians, lay on the fish! You can hurl a few chunks of pineapple onto them as well to add a dash of style.
  • The bloke doing the barbie shouldn’t be left unattended. This is really a safety issue as well as a matter of courtesy, as he really is the hero for blackening the meat and whatever else, whilst getting fat spattered all over himself. So be sure to praise his efforts, as a true barbie champion.
  • Finally, one of the most important barbecue tips and tricks is to take it easy, have a laugh with your friends, and enjoy the fruit of your labors. Barbecues are not for showing off, but having a good time. So enjoy!

 

* Actually it’s “barbecue” as in the cue stick that meat roasts on over a fire. But in a country that drinks beer called “XXXX“, nobody cares.

Feegs

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