Scallywag

Well done is better than well said.

~ Benjamin Franklin ~

5 Shocking Bachelor Habits

February 20th, 2012 ~ Est. reading time: 1 min, 42 secs

Beware of bachelor trash!

Bachelor habits? Urgh! You already know about the untidy way young men live when they leave home and share a house. But what you probably don’t know is just how shocking  bachelor habits can be. Here are five alarming bachelor bahaviors to freak you out:

  1. Never ever, ever, open the refrigerator in a home occupied by bachelors. Unless your work happens to be exhuming human remains, you won’t have the stomach for this classic bachelor habit. Mold growing in jars, on former food items, and over liquid spills will be so high that the act of opening the door creates a Mexican wave of cilia, releasing billions of toxic spores that will settle on your skin, clothes, and into your lungs. If you are foolish enough to open the vegetable drawer, be prepared for something repulsive that, like The Blob, will ooze its way towards your hand and try to consume you.
  2. Avoid lifting stove pot lids. Normal people cook food in saucepans, but bachelors? Not so much. Instead, expect pans rattling on the stove to contain a surging mass of boiling handkerchiefs or underwear (no I’m not kidding). This is the bachelor’s way of doing laundry.
  3. In case you hear a hissing or whistling sound coming from the kitchen, do not enter the room on any account. Anytime now, the pressure cooker of food left unattended for hours is about to explode. This will uniformly spread mash, carrot and pea fragments across the ceiling. Expect cursing shouts, an unexplained UFO sighting (as the offending pressure cooker is hurled heavenward), and a mysterious dent on the neighbor’s car to ensue.
  4. Unless you’ve taken leave of your senses, never push your fingers between the sofa cushions. There are things a woman isn’t meant to see down there, and it’s likely to lead to shrieks, tears, and a whole lot of door slamming. Just try to sit as comfortably as possible on the edge of the cushion and touch nothing.
  5. Finally, try not to help. Don’t offer to make coffee as any milk will not only be off, it will have congealed into blue-vein cheese; releasing it’s foul fragrance the moment you move the carton. Besides, switching on the electric jug risks electrocution.

For all these reasons maybe it’s best you don’t visit. Just call. Or, even better, Facebook or email. Due to the unsanitary nature of bachelor habits, it’s safer that way.

 

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