Scallywag

If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.

~ Meister Eckhardt (c. 1260-c. 1328) ~

24 Handy Funny Quotes Or Sayings

June 14th, 2013 ~ Est. reading time: 2 mins, 2 secs

Funny quotes make me go crazy over donuts!

Funny quotes make me go crazy over donuts!

Whether you’ve considered it or not, some funny quotes or sayings are just what you need after a long, hard day. Here are some I’ve freshly handpicked  –  just for you:

  1. Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, oh man…I could be eating a slow learner.”  Lynda Montgomery
  2. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said ‘Parking Fine.'”  Tommy Cooper
  3. “An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”  Agatha Christie
  4. “The only people who hear both sides of an argument are the neighbors” Anon.
  5. “By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.”  George Burns
  6. “If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.”  Anon
  7. “If you love your job, you haven’t worked a day in your life.”  Tommy Lasorda
  8. “I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’.” Anon
  9. “People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”   Leo Burke
  10. “Mothers, food, love, and career: the four major guilt groups.”  Cathy Guisewite
  11. “It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.”  Anon
  12. “Love may be blind but friendship tries not to notice.”  Anon
  13. “A true friend stabs you in the front.”  Oscar Wilde
  14. “If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, and then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!”  Milton Jones
  15. “I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…or a game of fake heart attack.”  Demetri Martin
  16. “Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.”  Mark Twain
  17. “I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.” Henny Youngman
  18. “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”  Anon
  19. “It takes a long time to grow an old friend.”  John Leonard
  20. “In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and … mothers. Only your grandmother and Genghis Khan know how to do it.”  Bill Cosby
  21. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” Jack Handey
  22. “Diaper backwards spells repaid. Think about it.”  Marshall McLuhan
  23. “A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”  Bernard Meltzer
  24. “There’s one great advantage to living to 105 – no peer pressure.”   Author Unknown

What Funny Quotes?

30 Funny Happy Birthday Sayings

Why Bother With Funny Quotes Or Sayings?

Feegs

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